Like, Shawn and Belle are on the run and they've hopped a cruise ship that departed from downtown Toronto and is headed for Australia. I think they're going by way of the Arctic Circle and a black hole in the universe. They're defying all the laws of earth geography with their love. Elsewhere, Marlena is having fun, sexy times with John who's still in a coma. It's appalling that he's just as lame as usual while lying in bed. He speaks to her through the wind and her dreams and she should really get her brain looked at, because I think she's had a partial lobotomy and didn't notice it.
I don't fast-forward through anything involving Steve or EJ and helpfully the writers have combined their plots. EJ is still hotly evil and jackassing it up around Salem and Steve is still crying about everything so they remain awesome. Of course, 1980's Steve had much more interesting problems to cry about, like how his back story was culled from the plots of about a million different Lifetime movies. His current story is like a low-rent hybrid of The Bourne Identity and Wolverine from X-Men and he yells a lot and maybe rolls around on the floor for good measure. Steve is my favorite character ever because he's insanely melodramatic in a very over-the-top way about everything ever. I might not have started re-watching it so obsessively if he hadn't come back (I seriously did not care about this show for like 7 years, what is wrong with me?) since I'm deeply in love with his stupid problems and general insanity. It recently, however, dawned on me that he wears a fucking eye patch like this is normal. I don't know why it took me so long to realize how goddamn ludicrous this is, but seriously, I just find it distracting now.
1. EJ prepares to shoot John. Also, the Salem PD is incredibly inept and useless and John is a huge dick to the dude about to shoot him because that's just how John rolls.
2. In the 80's, Steve either a) cried b) yelled or c) sexually harassed Kayla. Here he's doing c). Nothing says true love like sexual harassment!
3. Here he cries for like 7 minutes. See, he tried to kill his drunk, abusive, rapist dad when he was 5 so his mom gave him and his brother away to an orphanage and he hadn't seen her since and in the meantime Bo cut out his eye and he developed self-esteem problems and insisted he was a bad-ass even though he was prone to episode long crying jags. You wouldn't believe how common all of this is. I find most clips related to Steve's problems hilarious.
4. EJ controls Steve's brain/makes him cry with a Tarot card! This plot makes absolutely no sense, but it's very funny. EJ is the hottest. Tarot card mind manipulation for the win!
5. Sami falls through a glass door! I can't tell you anything about the context of this clip because I wasn't watching the show at the time, so I don't know why Lucas is working for Tony DiMera, what Sami's crying about, or why her falling through a glass door is so awesome. I just like when Lucas yells "Shut up!" at the maid when she sees Sami all bloody.
6. Kristen tries to kill Marlena at her Elvis-themed wedding to John! It was really Susan Banks dressed as Kristen and Susan loved Elvis and then Marlena exposed all of Kristen's lies and Kristen went nuts. Good times. I probably have this on tape somewhere and I need to watch it again, because I have no idea why Stefano is dressed as a cop and watching the whole thing on a TV.
To sum up, if NBC cancels this show, I will have wasted my whole life with this nonsense. Oh my gad, that is so saddening. Seriously, whole life. Much sadness.