wood detective (cromulent) wrote,
wood detective

"Like sands through the hourglass, there goes my teeth right into your back!"

Lets talk about the only show I feel like I watch anymore: General Hospital! Frankly, I'm surprised that I watch this show, so to prove that I do, I'll discuss it with pictures!

But first! I will preface this by mentioning that I'm super easy to please when it comes to daytime soap operas. There are very few couples where I'm like, "They have to be together forever or I'll stop watching!" (or, at the very least, that couple is not John and Marlena on Days of Our Lives, who, I've concluded, talk about sex like a couple of 14 year-old virgins). There are few plots in general where I'm like, "If you do this, I'm going to stop watching!" I like everything! Baby switches, dramatic weddings, demonic possessions, grief sex, fake multiple personality disorders, actual facts multiple personality disorders, LSD-induced psychic powers, David Vickers Buchanan, pushing people out of windows, trying to get your husband's job back by working at strip clubs, creating hilarious clones of your ex-wife's husband because you're a huge dick, stalking blind lawyers at their beach houses because you're a huge dick, you know, all of that is great. When the cheesy fight scene from General Hospital's recent 'the town's water supply has been poisoned by a handsome villain' plot was the clip of the week on The Soup, somewhere people were debating whether being made fun of on The Soup was good or bad and I feel like it can't not be good. If you're making a soap opera and not hoping to be featured on The Soup at least occasionally, then you're doing soap operas wrong. What a great, dumb plot that was. It had everything: John McBain shooting people, handsome people with accents, etc. I especially appreciate when soap operas are funny, which the whole plot sort of was, but I legit laughed out loud at the meeting of the Port Charles 1 percenters. The current problem, in my mind, with Days of Our Lives is that it feels like it's pretty realistically depicting how boring it would actually be to watch a bunch of people's lives every single day. I have enjoyed EJ's week-long angry yelling tour of Salem and Marlena's unnecessary emotional meltdown over Kristen's so far uneventful return. I thoroughly dislike Nick's 'I went to prison and found God so now I'm a gross religious homophobe' plot. Nick was one of the few nice characters on the show! I'm hoping that the surprise twist is that he had to have sex with men in prison and his unresolved issues over that are why he doesn't approve of the town's only gay couple. So thanks, Days, for making me root for prison rape as the explanation for a character's nonsensical behavior.

Now lets move on to pictures of more current General Hospital nonsense!

John McBain is the greatest. Look at how at the first sign of danger he doesn't go for his gun like Anna, instead he strikes a magnificent pose. And then look at him just chilling after he watched a lady jump off the roof of the hospital. I love his whole disinterested vibe, it's like he doesn't give a shit about anything he investigates. He's like a handsome rock. I honestly don't know with Michael Easton, like is he a terrible actor or is John McBain really supposed to be this nonchalant or what. He's super pretty and funny and I enjoyed him on Days of Our Lives back in the early 90's (TANNER!), so who really cares about acting and such, but still. I mostly love that he's in a love triangle with Sam from General Hospital and Natalie from One Life to Live who is not even on the show since, you know, that show was canceled (still bitter). Also great is it's not even clear where he's living or working as he mostly just shows up in Port Charles to stare as intensely as he can at Sam and then leave for various reasons.

Tea showed up for a couple days to hyperventilate her way through entire scenes. Which sounds like a bad thing, but I thoroughly enjoy Tea and her over-the-top reactions to life. It's like she thinks she's living in a silent film. Florencia Lozano totally sells it and I always enjoy characters from One Life to Live coming to General Hospital to make Todd miserable. I also enjoy her with McBain, because she emotes enough for the both them.

Todd did a handstand and then delivered a monologue while standing on his head and appeared to do handstand pushups and it was impressive, but served absolutely no purpose, like when did this show turn into the Summer Olympics, but it was also ridiculously hot and the amount of times I've watched this feat of nonsensical acrobatics is possibly embarrassing and also maybe people should do more tumbling on this show. Cartwheels, perhaps? More jazz hands at the very least. I like Todd for the same reasons I like EJ on Days as they are both terrible assholes and I guess that's a thing I enjoy.

Patrick is involved in a fairly uninteresting love triangle, but Jason Thompson is super hot all the time, so who cares!

I love Duke's perpetual look of surprise. Those are some great eyebrows that dude has.

Jason "died." Hooray! It might be hard to tell he's "dead" here since he always had a blank, expressionless look on his face.

In summary: go vote if you haven't done so and if the polls are still open! I had to attempt to tie this into the election somehow. I don't think I'll be watching the election results tonight. I will probably be drinking wine and watching old episodes of either One Life to Live or Days of Our Lives.
Tags: soap operas, tv: days of our lives, tv: general hospital (is the worst/best)
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