wood detective (cromulent) wrote,
wood detective
cromulent

How am I supposed to write for a guy who doesn't have a head?

Lets discuss how General Hospital is the best! Some more. Again. I'm sorry. I like posting about things no one watches. I will at some future point talk endlessly about Southland, another show no one watches, and how it is devastating, has amazing cinematography, and should be nominated for all the Emmys ever. Today, though, we're talking about the opposite of all that.

I am slightly behind on watching this show because of how it's on every day and how I'm bummed that all the One Life to Live characters had to leave last week. Even still, so great. I can't make fun of something that regularly featured John McBain and his vampire look-alike. Ugh, I am going to throw myself off a cliff due to Michael Easton leaving the show because of online One Life to Live reasons. I am SO CONFLICTED about online One Life to Live! I sort of think it will be terrible, but they are taking Roger Howarth for a couple weeks, so I won't have to throw myself off two cliffs because he left too (I am deeply attracted to his face). And except for his hilarious stint as Heather's comedy sidekick, I was more mixed on his General Hospital plots, since his plots didn't involve vampire look-alikes (they definitely should have). So Todd can leave, let John McBain and his lovely hair stay. I was mostly super bummed out by Todd's awkward love affair with Carly, which was like not a thing but the show keeps saying it is a thing and he weird cries over her all the time and I'm like, "GO BACK TO BLAIR ON ONE LIFE TO LIVE YOU ASSHOLE!" He wanted to marry Blair last summer! There was a whole thing where he proposed to her and it was like a non-animated version of that scene from The Simpsons where Ralph proposes to Lisa and you can pinpoint the second his heart rips in half and suddenly he's like, "Only Carly gets meeeeeeee!" though I don't think she even knows he's a rapist. I JUST HAVE SO MANY BLAIR AND TODD FEELINGS STILL! Like how will they be together 5ever if she is on one show and he is on another? Especially if he goes back to General Hospital and plays a completely different character? I'm going to find a taller cliff than the other two cliffs to throw myself off of, because creating all new characters for a bunch of actors who had to leave the show is the strangest plan I've ever heard of and it deprives me of more John McBain and Todd (and Starr or whatever). None of these actors is the Daniel Day-Lewis of daytime television where I want to see them in all the roles all the time. I hope this is a ruse and either they just permanently leave or come back as their One Life to Live characters. Though I wouldn't object to any of them playing Abraham Lincoln in some sort of wacky time travel plot line.

But Monday is the 50th anniversary and big things are happening all week, so watch it maybe. I won't force you but it will probably be amazing and will definitely involve song and dance routines, though not vampire look-alikes sadly.

I also need to talk about Days of Our Lives. It is the worst! But in such an entertaining way! It used to be terrible and boring, now it's just terrible! I have very superficial things to yell about, but I also have pictures! They are all below the cut. Except for this one because reasons.

leanback
In comparison to Drake Hogestyn and Deidre Hall, then yes, everyone else in daytime television are a bunch of Daniel Day-Lewis's. They have both started full-body acting, like to the point where when they need to convey sorrow or despair (sorrow and despair pictured above), I am afraid they are going to fall over backwards. I think the preferred way of conveying emotion is through the face and not the spinal cord, but I am not a beloved soap opera icon. I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM THEY ARE DUMB.
I love that Sami and EJ think that plotting to ruin someone's life constitutes foreplay. HOT! I don't have a picture of this plot because why would I? I have given up hope that anyone will remind these two that he raped her and have moved on to hoping that someone will remind anyone that he used to be a world famous race car driver. Good times! Or that someone will remind anyone that half the characters under 30 used to be race car drivers. Even better times! No, not even the time he cloned Rafe, we're not bringing that up either? The best times!

chloeshocked
Oh no! Someone answered the door perfectly dressed and made-up while a guy was passed out in the bed! Lets all run screaming for the hills because obviously, OBVIOUSLY!, these two have been doing it! Nothing about this "set-up" or Jennifer's weird hair braids make sense. Jennifer basically ran from the room thinking that her boyfriend had sex with Chloe, then confronted her boyfriend like an hour later, slapped him and ran off some more, and then went home to listen to Taylor Swift albums. Because it's sort of obvious to everyone who is not Jennifer that these two didn't have sex, Chloe had to tell Jennifer it was a misunderstanding because her scheme to drug Daniel so that Jennifer would think they had sex made no goddamn sense. Most soap operas plots could be solved by talking rather than slapping people and running away from everyone who tries to talk to you, but this plot could really be solved by talking. But Jennifer and Daniel like to stare at their damn phones for hours instead of using them and lingering shots of people staring at their damn phones are the worst. (This plot was cleared up by someone other than Jennifer but it's less than a week later and I'm pretty sure we're going to be going back to staring at phones soon).
jenmaggie
What is going on with the costuming for these two? Jennifer is dressed like she is attending her high school Little House on the Prairie themed Spring dance and I think Maggie time-traveled to the 80's to attend a fancy nightclub opening and has not had time to change. THIS SCENE TAKES PLACE AT LIKE FUCKING MIDNIGHT! Take it down a notch, Maggie. The entire timeline of recent episodes is mind-boggling, because everyone seemed to be plotting elaborate schemes and jogging and wearing fur coats well past midnight. If Maggie had an explanation for why she broke out her finest furs to talk to Jennifer about her boring son it was lost in a sea of me yelling at the TV about what a ridiculous outfit she was wearing. Possibly something about Nick and Gabi's hastily planned wedding, but that didn't take place until the next morning. I don't want to get into all that because it's hard to be like HA HA YR ALL DUMB about an off-putting homophobia plot, but suffice it to say it was a hastily planned wedding planned solely by Nick in order to deprive Will of his daughter because Nick is a terrible human being for reasons I'm unsure of. Also, it's very well-acted and doesn't involve questionable outfits.
rafe
This is the police evidence room. Great work on the box labeled Box and all the junk just lying around. Totally convincing police evidence room. There's a gun taped to the wall with caution tape? Sure! POLICE EVIDENCE ROOM! This is what they look like! Sami recently revealed that Stefano Dimera, who runs evil corporations, has a mole in the Salem police department and hilariously, she further revealed that everybody knows this. So Salem P.D. has a totally legit evidence room and yet can't solve crimes even within their own department? I worry about the populace and their safety.
Tags: tv: days of our lives, tv: general hospital (is the worst/best), tv: one life to live
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