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I was raised to be charming, not sincere

Here's a math problem to solve: I've watched the following performance of Being Alive from the musical Company how many times? Hint: It's greater than 5 and less than 'JESUS CHRIST IT'S 5 IN THE MORNING AND I'VE WATCHED THIS ALL NIGHT!'

Lets just split the difference and say that the answer is so many times. Granted, I thought Company was basically about a bunch of narcissistic people who need to shut the hell up, but despite that, it has great songs and great performances (and is streaming on Netflix). This performance could stand to be slightly less overwrought and melodramatic. Just kidding forever! Way overwrought and melodramatic is kind of my thing. I AM SO COMPLETELY INTO IT. If Broadway songs aren't being performed while one appears on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then what is the point of Broadway again?

Also streaming on Netflix is the 1991 American Playhouse broadcast of Into the Woods! So exciting! I practically wore out a VHS copy of that as a kid and it's basically my favorite musical ever. I even have a story about how I saw Josh Radnor in a local children's theatre version of Into the Woods way before he was famous (that's it, that's the story). I'm kind of dreading the Disney version that just went into production - I really want it to be amazing, but I think it could be hard to pull off. Also, contrary to popular opinion, I do not think that Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice (she'd make a good Mr. Freeze I bet) and I'm slightly iffy on her as the Witch. Maybe it's just that Bernadette Peters is perfect or that it's my favorite play and I have super high expectations (like I was perfectly happy with Russell Crowe as Javert in Les Miserables, but I have no nostalgic or sentimental feelings regarding that play).

I discovered that both of these were on Netflix because I watched that Trayvon Martin/Paula Deen mash-up episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and while they failed to solve racism in an hour, I very much enjoyed Raúl Esparza as the new snazzily-dressed Assistant District Attorney and now I've stayed up till 5 in the morning watching Being Alive (and also his very drama-filled versions of The Man That Got Away and Hallelujah). THANKS LAW & ORDER, I'LL SEND YOU MY BILLS FOR INSOMNIA!
I was concerned that the return of One Life to Live last week in Hulu-form would be disappointing. That even though they jettisoned, or at least have not as of now brought back, many of my least favorite characters, it would end up being a mess of some sort. But all my fears were put to rest after watching Monday's episode, because this show is clearly just as amazing as ever based solely on this:

death list

GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST, NEVER LEAVE AGAIN ONE LIFE TO LIVE! Fake Todd settled on poison and then the even more specific poison, Arsenic, in order to kill Real Todd, though I think freezing or bare hands would have been fun too. Real Todd is now hilariously running around town with ominous background music accompanying him while he is slowly poisoned by arsenic. My second favorite thing so far was the collective whatever when Fake Todd (he has a real name, but never mind, they're identical twins with different faces) returned from the actual dead, like "It's nice you aren't dead, but look at the time! I have stuff to do!" Fake Todd didn't even seem all that interested in his own return and I'm super excited for Fake Todd and Real Todd to engage in epic blank staring showdowns. They can argue about whether a year and a half or eight years of being held hostage/tortured is worse, it'll be great. No, it will actually be great, because this show is great, go watch it on Hulu for free!

I tried watching online All My Children out of support for soap operas, but I don't love it the way I love One Life to Live. It's good, but does it have amazing show ending montages set to I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher? Probably not, no. Does it have Corbin Bleu from High School Musical which I still think is a big get because I watch all the High School Musical movies at least twice a week at work? Definitely not. Does it have a restaurant/nightclub where young kids overdose on Oxycontin and awkwardly dance to real-life DJ's I've never heard of? Who knows, I doubt it! Does it have an opening credit sequence where there is even more awkward dancing to a song that Snoop Lion wrote? If you guessed no, you guessed right! Does it have Blair and Real Todd being amazing and so super hot together that I don't care about blank staring because they are both super attractive? NO NEVER HOW COULD IT! Sidebar discussion: The guy who plays Real Todd is maybe leaving the show to definitely return to General Hospital as a new character and as such he seems to have gotten a really terrible haircut in the interest of not confusing people who just saw him on General Hospital as Real Todd less than two months ago. Because if an actor playing a different character is confusing (it's not), then a different haircut will solve everything (it won't)! I may have mentioned that I'm deeply attracted to the guy who plays Real Todd's face (I'm deeply attracted to his face), but I have a more complicated relationship with his hair, because I think that somehow the dumber his haircut is the worse he gets at acting. And he's had such nice hair for like a year!

But getting worse at acting is all relative and the occasional blank staring is no match for whatever is going on with Drake Hogestyn over at Days of Our Lives, who has never been a good actor, but on the other hand has never been as strange an actor as he has been lately. There was an entire scene in which he appeared to be slowly falling over for no apparent reason:
That's certainly an acting choice, I guess. I don't know if this cap properly conveys how fantastically absurd this scene was, because he was nearly lying down in a booth while talking to someone who was standing up and it felt like they had to use a weird camera angle just to film him. I loved it and it was great, confusing fun, but it certainly wasn't an achievement in acting.

I know I basically wrote about these two things the last time I updated, but I haven't seen any good movies in ages, I haven't bought any good albums recently, I don't start my last semester of college for about a month, and my job is still watching kids while their parents shop and/or drink wine. I feel like I've titled many of my recent posts with Bob's Burgers quotes but never talked about it. It's one of my favorite shows on TV right now. The end.

"I like horses, music, and boys."

I drunkenly filled out an American Idol Fox survey in which I described Ryan Seacrest as cold and mean and basically said Keith Urban is a super fox. Robotic was not an available adjective to describe anyone on the show or else I would have added that to my assessment of Ryan. But Keith Urban says lovely things to people in his lovely accent and I do not at all buy his whole I'm a legit country singer thing because HAHA Keith Urban you are not a legit country singer, you are an adorable human being. Congratulations on being married to Nicole Kidman. Notice how I have not mentioned any of the singers (also notice how I am slightly drunk), because they are all super boring. They sing boring ballads and want to be some weird Celine Dion/Dionne Warwick amalgamation and American Idol still has not contacted me regarding my awesome Twitter suggestion for a 1970's New York City punk night even though they explicitly asked for theme night suggestions via Twitter! That was a legitimate suggestion, American Idol! Make one of these damn girls sing a Patti Smith song for christ's sake! Jesus take all the wheels!

Can we talk about the online One Life to Live? Obviously, we can, as I'm the one talking about it, but shut up. This looks amazing! I'm not even going to get into how many times I've watched this dumb promo:

The definition of amazing is subject to interpretation, but I'm pretty sure this is amazing. It's coming back! Even though it's an internet venture, I'm pretty sure it looks like it has better sets than Days of Our Lives. Fucking Viki and Dorian! That kid from High School Musical! David Vickers! Weird peanut butter sex! Lots of dancing! I'm totally burying the lede, because obviously I'm most excited about Todd giving Blair a flower! AW! Clearly she should totally forgive him for being an all around dickhead and kidnapping her boyfriend and framing him for a crime Todd committed because FLOWER! What a romantic gesture.

I am sort of more excited about this show coming back then I am about the return of Arrested Development. I hereby make confetti out of all of my 'I'm a hip young person' cards.
Lets discuss how General Hospital is the best! Some more. Again. I'm sorry. I like posting about things no one watches. I will at some future point talk endlessly about Southland, another show no one watches, and how it is devastating, has amazing cinematography, and should be nominated for all the Emmys ever. Today, though, we're talking about the opposite of all that.

I am slightly behind on watching this show because of how it's on every day and how I'm bummed that all the One Life to Live characters had to leave last week. Even still, so great. I can't make fun of something that regularly featured John McBain and his vampire look-alike. Ugh, I am going to throw myself off a cliff due to Michael Easton leaving the show because of online One Life to Live reasons. I am SO CONFLICTED about online One Life to Live! I sort of think it will be terrible, but they are taking Roger Howarth for a couple weeks, so I won't have to throw myself off two cliffs because he left too (I am deeply attracted to his face). And except for his hilarious stint as Heather's comedy sidekick, I was more mixed on his General Hospital plots, since his plots didn't involve vampire look-alikes (they definitely should have). So Todd can leave, let John McBain and his lovely hair stay. I was mostly super bummed out by Todd's awkward love affair with Carly, which was like not a thing but the show keeps saying it is a thing and he weird cries over her all the time and I'm like, "GO BACK TO BLAIR ON ONE LIFE TO LIVE YOU ASSHOLE!" He wanted to marry Blair last summer! There was a whole thing where he proposed to her and it was like a non-animated version of that scene from The Simpsons where Ralph proposes to Lisa and you can pinpoint the second his heart rips in half and suddenly he's like, "Only Carly gets meeeeeeee!" though I don't think she even knows he's a rapist. I JUST HAVE SO MANY BLAIR AND TODD FEELINGS STILL! Like how will they be together 5ever if she is on one show and he is on another? Especially if he goes back to General Hospital and plays a completely different character? I'm going to find a taller cliff than the other two cliffs to throw myself off of, because creating all new characters for a bunch of actors who had to leave the show is the strangest plan I've ever heard of and it deprives me of more John McBain and Todd (and Starr or whatever). None of these actors is the Daniel Day-Lewis of daytime television where I want to see them in all the roles all the time. I hope this is a ruse and either they just permanently leave or come back as their One Life to Live characters. Though I wouldn't object to any of them playing Abraham Lincoln in some sort of wacky time travel plot line.

But Monday is the 50th anniversary and big things are happening all week, so watch it maybe. I won't force you but it will probably be amazing and will definitely involve song and dance routines, though not vampire look-alikes sadly.

I also need to talk about Days of Our Lives. It is the worst! But in such an entertaining way! It used to be terrible and boring, now it's just terrible! I have very superficial things to yell about, but I also have pictures! They are all below the cut. Except for this one because reasons.

In comparison to Drake Hogestyn and Deidre Hall, then yes, everyone else in daytime television are a bunch of Daniel Day-Lewis's. They have both started full-body acting, like to the point where when they need to convey sorrow or despair (sorrow and despair pictured above), I am afraid they are going to fall over backwards. I think the preferred way of conveying emotion is through the face and not the spinal cord, but I am not a beloved soap opera icon. I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM THEY ARE DUMB.Like sands through the hourglass!Collapse )

Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

The faces of these extras from The Impossible are the greatest faces in cinematic history. I feel you, random extras, because in between trying not to be shamelessly manipulated into crying and mulling the spiritual or what-have-you implications of finding tsunami-ravaged Ewan McGregor quite good-looking (the tsunami took his shirt), I was making these faces throughout the entirety of The Impossible. These people are reacting to two ladies suddenly vomiting blood and seaweed in unison and they look pretty annoyed by the whole thing (they also look super white). Like, "Jeez, I know we almost all just died in a tsunami, but try to keep your medical problems out of the hospital, I'm trying to rest up and arrange a flight to my non-tsunami wrecked home in England here."

The best part of The Impossible is a hilariously long sequence where the family keeps almost running into each other in the hospital. Like someone will run up a flight of stairs and then just miss someone else running down that flight of stairs. It's like a set-piece straight out of the The Parent Trap. You know, the one with Lindsay Lohan, when the idea of two Lindsay Lohans was super adorable?

I could have loved this movie had it not been about a real disaster and if it wasn't trying to be super important, because it was kind of ridiculous in a way that it is great. Basically, Michael Bay should have directed it. I'm sure if he had directed it there still would have been lots of off-putting shots of Naomi Watt's bruised breasts. Anyway, Naomi Watts is very good at laying on a hospital gurney and looking realistically near-death and Ewan McGregor is very good at being the whitest dude in Thailand who has no shirt and looks way sad, so A+ acting. Everyone else in the theater was like full-on ugly crying, so maybe I'm the asshole.

I saw this movie ages ago (or in February, one or the other), but I am on Spring Break and I am watching a bunch of Ewan McGregor movies for some reason? I re-watched Moulin Rouge last week and then had to watch all his movies. I have not yet gotten desperate enough to re-watch the new Star Wars Trilogy, but I may watch that tomorrow. I was not planning to go out during Spring Break, but now I am super sick so I'm really not planning to go out and Ewan McGregor has made some unfortunate movies. You know what is not one of those unfortunate movies? The Island. That was amazing, like I'm not even kidding that I've watched that dumb movie twice since seeing it yesterday. Michael Bay is clearly one of Hollywood's greatest living auteurs. His movies are all running from helicopters and slight anti-authoritarian nonsense and never-ending car crashes on the L.A. freeway. I don't know why this movie was a huge failure, it had everything! It was even part mistaken identity farce, like I didn't know I wanted that in my Michael Bay movie, but clearly I did. And even if it didn't have everything (but it did), it was super gorgeous. I watched it on blu-ray and it was so pretty and I'm not just talking about Ewan McGregor's face.

Future topics of discussion: how General Hospital is still the best thing on television, American Idol and how Keith Urban is the most precious human being alive, how I might graduate this semester and then what will I do with my life, how one day I listened to Taylor Swift's Trouble twice on a ten-minute drive to campus because it played back-to-back on two different stations and I turned the volume up real loud and how I then realized I lost all my good taste in music ages ago.
Lets talk about the only show I feel like I watch anymore: General Hospital! Frankly, I'm surprised that I watch this show, so to prove that I do, I'll discuss it with pictures!

But first! I will preface this by mentioning that I'm super easy to please when it comes to daytime soap operas. There are very few couples where I'm like, "They have to be together forever or I'll stop watching!" (or, at the very least, that couple is not John and Marlena on Days of Our Lives, who, I've concluded, talk about sex like a couple of 14 year-old virgins). There are few plots in general where I'm like, "If you do this, I'm going to stop watching!" I like everything! Baby switches, dramatic weddings, demonic possessions, grief sex, fake multiple personality disorders, actual facts multiple personality disorders, LSD-induced psychic powers, David Vickers Buchanan, pushing people out of windows, trying to get your husband's job back by working at strip clubs, creating hilarious clones of your ex-wife's husband because you're a huge dick, stalking blind lawyers at their beach houses because you're a huge dick, you know, all of that is great. When the cheesy fight scene from General Hospital's recent 'the town's water supply has been poisoned by a handsome villain' plot was the clip of the week on The Soup, somewhere people were debating whether being made fun of on The Soup was good or bad and I feel like it can't not be good. If you're making a soap opera and not hoping to be featured on The Soup at least occasionally, then you're doing soap operas wrong. What a great, dumb plot that was. It had everything: John McBain shooting people, handsome people with accents, etc. I especially appreciate when soap operas are funny, which the whole plot sort of was, but I legit laughed out loud at the meeting of the Port Charles 1 percenters. The current problem, in my mind, with Days of Our Lives is that it feels like it's pretty realistically depicting how boring it would actually be to watch a bunch of people's lives every single day. I have enjoyed EJ's week-long angry yelling tour of Salem and Marlena's unnecessary emotional meltdown over Kristen's so far uneventful return. I thoroughly dislike Nick's 'I went to prison and found God so now I'm a gross religious homophobe' plot. Nick was one of the few nice characters on the show! I'm hoping that the surprise twist is that he had to have sex with men in prison and his unresolved issues over that are why he doesn't approve of the town's only gay couple. So thanks, Days, for making me root for prison rape as the explanation for a character's nonsensical behavior.

Now lets move on to pictures of more current General Hospital nonsense!You're all varying degrees of tedious, annoying, and unpleasantCollapse )

In summary: go vote if you haven't done so and if the polls are still open! I had to attempt to tie this into the election somehow. I don't think I'll be watching the election results tonight. I will probably be drinking wine and watching old episodes of either One Life to Live or Days of Our Lives.
Lollapalooza's full schedule release was last week, which is the most exciting time of the year! Making hypothetical schedules based on set times is my favorite thing to do (the first year I went, I even made printouts of the schedule and commandeered the laminator from work to make tiny laminated schedules). It's almost more exciting than actually going to Lollapalooza and walking from one end of the festival to the other in 90 degree heat in order to see both Franz Ferdinand and Bloc Party. If you would like to see my tentative Lollapalooza fun times, here's my schedule. I will be most bummed if Delta Spirit doesn't play "Devil Knows You're Dead" because then I won't be able to sob and have all the Friday Night Lights series finale feelings all over again.

Since I have been a neglectful poster and since I'm not taking any classes this summer for the first time in ages, I'm doing a 30 day meme. I mashed together 4 different 30 day memes to create one where I might actually want to post about all the topics (full disclosure: I totally came up with this idea about a year ago and never got around to doing it).

Day 1 - A show that should never have been canceled

Fraternity Row! I mean, One Life to Live!

Never is a strange word in this context. At some point most shows should be canceled or at the very least end, you know? Should One Life to Live have really never been canceled and actually gone on forever into some sort of dystopian future where our alien overlords allow us breaks from working in the alien salt mines to watch afternoon soap operas somehow? (This is what Prometheus is about, yes?)


Here's how not over One Life to Live I am: I'm actually watching General Hospital for the three characters and the head writer they brought over from OLTL. I kind of never liked General Hospital! I couldn't even sustain interest in it when James Franco was on. I would even go so far as to say that most of the characters are awful (I have a hard enough time caring about Michael in The Godfather, which is a brilliant and complex film, so cram it with walnuts, Sonny and Jason from General Hospital). But the OLTL characters! John McBain! My favorite good-looking fictional police officer named after a Simpsons character! Todd! My favorite good-looking fictional scumbag not named after a Simpsons character! Starr! She's there too! There should be way more of these idiots, since they are the best! Just say a meteor landed on Llanview and they all need to move somewhere. I hope when General Hospital is canceled they all take their show on the road to Days of Our Lives. At the very least, just John McBain, because Days of Our Lives badly needs a good-looking, non-horribly smug police officer.

Now they're doing a dead baby switch with a General Hospital character and a One Life to Live character, which is kind of awesome even though baby switches have been done to death on soaps. They also did a Weekend at Bernie's homage 20 years too late which was really dumb, but also hilarious, and it didn't involve any OLTL characters exactly and was still somehow better than anything going on over at Days of Our Lives these days (which I am enjoying at the moment because it's so bad it's good. The recent episode where someone killed Stefano is an instant comedy classic). But most importantly, Blair is coming back this summer and OH EM MOTHERFUCKING GEE Blair/Todd is like the only soap opera couple that I have legit feelings about (well, I have feelings about bringing just Kayla back to Days of Our Lives, wasting her by not letting her out of the Brady Pub for six months, and then having her break-up with Patch off-screen last week, but I'm trying to not care about that) - SO MANY FUCKING FEELINGS - like mainly how if Todd is not with Blair than I ship him with crippling loneliness because he is a scumbag, but also how his horribly misguided and usually illegal attempts to woo her are the greatest thing ever? Excuse me, while I go watch YouTube videos about their love set to terrible songs I hate (like My Heart Will Go On doesn't exactly scream dysfunctional love story about a semi-charming asshole and the pretty woman who loves him; maybe the only song that would scream something like that would be a Mountain Goats song about people who shouldn't be together but are in love and obsessed with other, like Old College Try or International Small Arms Traffic Blues).

A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you the name of a single character or actor on One Life to Live. Now I could write a ten-page paper about it. I'M SORRY FOR BASICALLY DOING THAT! I'm not sorry. When I first came up with this meme, I was going to mention that I've never cared about Firefly being canceled and Nathan Fillion has never been someone I've been all that into (lets turn this into an unpopular opinions meme!), but then I learned that he used to be on One Life to Live and he still hangs out with people from the show and I'm like, "Nathan Fillion! You're the best!"

future 30 Days of Me topicsCollapse )

Movies in 2012

This is a list of all the movies that I've seen this year that I've never seen before. Marvel at the classic films I've never watched! Try to figure out what movies I watched for film classes! Be amazed at how many movies I give A's to! I've bolded the movies I loved and italicized the movies I saw in a theatre.
Movies!Collapse )


Texas forever

Clear eyes, full hearts, can't stop stealing crafts from work and turning them into Friday Night Lights characters.

Lets discuss how I watched all five seasons of Friday Night Lights in about two weeks! Or how Netflix on demand is the greatest? Or, more importantly, how I'm supposed to be finishing a paper on Thelma and Louise that's due today, but I don't want to do that, I want to talk about Friday Night Lights forever and ever?

A slightly abbreviated list of things I love about Friday Night Lights since I really should be studying for exams:
1. Everything.
2. Kyle Chandler.

Once final exams are over on Thursday and I've written way too much about Thelma and Louise, I will probably write way too much about Friday Night Lights and how it's the best show ever and about the time I watched ten episodes of season 4 in one day. That's the way to watch shows though, right? Just wait till they're over and then watch 76 episodes in two weeks? Can't shows just make five seasons all at once, with none of this waiting several months between seasons stuff? Just revolutionize the TV industry and whatnot. And five seasons is about the perfect number of seasons, because I would prefer shows to end while they're good, rather than go on forever so that I start to resent their very existence.

Speaking of shows that should go on forever so I can learn to resent them, I was way disappointed to learn that One Life to Live is not going to end up online after it's finale on ABC. It can't be over, I just started watching it! Soap operas, man! Jesus, ABC, how can you cancel a show that lends itself to YouTube video descriptions like this:
While on her way to Heaven (via spaceship!), Viki (who's actually in a coma) faces up against her alternate personality, Niki Smith.

I mean, that's like the greatest thing I've ever read. Who doesn't want to watch people in spaceships arguing with their split personality? Get it together ABC, everyone wants to watch that.
I went to Lollapalooza for the second year in a row like a month ago. Let's pretend like I updated right after I came back and not thousands of years later. Basically, it was great and then it rained a lot and I maybe would have, like, wept openly in public if not for the fact that I don't weep openly in public when The Mountain Goats played You Were Cool:

This is not even like the greatest song or anything, it's basically just the It Gets Better campaign set to music, nor is it anywhere near one of my favorite Mountain Goats songs, but I had to be all, "Do not weep openly in public!" during the whole thing. Stop making me feel all the feelings, John Darnielle! Aside from the Mountain Goats (who are the best forever and ever), I also enjoyed Big Audio Dynamite, Coldplay, Beirut, J Roddy Walston & the Business, Black Lips, Le Butcherettes, Lord Huron, and Bright Eyes. Big Audio Dynamite was my legit favorite of the weekend (I'm nostalgic for reunions of 80's bands I've never listened to before), followed closely by the amazing food. Also, I saw Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad being super adorable with a child and if I at all watched Breaking Bad I might be more interested in this anecdote. I would totally go again next year in order to not cry while watching fantastic bands.

My semi-summer break has mainly consisted of watching soap operas. I kind of obsessively watched a bunch of old Days of Our Lives tapes for most of the summer which prevented me from doing things like going out and having a life. But Days of Our Lives used to be so decent! And it used to have nice lighting and set design (I also took an Intro to Film class this summer so I'm clearly an expert on lighting and set design)! Now it has bad lighting and too many potted plants as background decoration. And boring plots, lets not forget the boring plots. Then about a month ago, I started watching One Life to Live, because why not pick up a decades old soap opera that's going off the air in January. It's actually kind of funny and good at the moment! I've never watched any other soap operas aside from Days of Our Lives, so I don't know why I'm so, yay soap operas! right now. I have questionable taste in everything. So now I stay up till four in the morning watching old One Life to Live plot lines on YouTube and I have little time for things like updating LiveJournal or sleep.


unicorns! doing! it!
wood detective

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